My birth plan: Don’t die

When the OB at my last appointment brought up making a birth plan, I quickly cut her off.

” I don’t need one. Just don’t let me die. And if you could not let the baby die either, that would be cool too.”

She looked at me, laughed, and said “I think I can do that.”

Yep that’s my entire birth plan. In this day of home births, placenta eating, and pulling the baby out with your own two hands, I think I’m quite the anomaly to my OB. I just don’t want any part of planning “my birth”. Why? Because most times it goes the exact opposite way you think it will. And honestly? I know ZERO about birthing babies. You know who does? My OB. She went to 14 years of school, birthed 4 of her own, and has delivered countless others. Who the hell am I to tell her the proper amount of time to let the cord to pulsate? What’s that you say? Did I just say “let the cord pulsate?” Why, yes I did. It’s a thing now. Didn’t you hear?  For all of you not pushing a watermelon out your whoo-haa in 6 months I’ll enlighten you to all the new birthing trends. Try not to puke. (But if you do, go in the sink.)

Just say yes to drugs.

I am a big fan of western medicine. BIG FAN. I’m so glad we live in a country with readily available access to pharmaceuticals, CT scans, and laser hair removal. When it comes to birth, I am just as thankful for epidurals. Having to hear my own mother’s story of back labor for 36 hours with no drugs available on the tiny island she lived on, made me want to find an anesthesiologist in college and marry him, just so I knew I wouldn’t have to wait when the time comes. That didn’t happen, and instead I married a man that keeps me in supply of another type of liquid pain reliever, but one that is unfortunately heavily frowned upon for preggos. (see my last post), so you will be sure the second I get to that nurses station to check in my first words after, “No, I am not wearing that hideous gown.” will be “and I want the drugs as soon as possible.”

Here’s how I look at it.

More power to the women who want to go it alone, but personally, I wouldn’t ask to go sans drugs for open heart surgery, so explain to me again why I would want to go through one of nature’s most painful experiences without assistance? I know, I know, women for centuries have been bearing down in rice paddies, delivering, and going right back to work. But guess what? If they could have strung up an IV on one of those water buffalo standing nearby, she would have GLADLY taken it.

Ugh. Enough with the moaning.

Ugh. Enough with the moaning.

It’s like why I can’t stand Downtown Abbey. Why do I have to spend my Sunday’s watching people suffering without antibiotics and electricity? I love living in the 21st century, and I will take full advantage of everything available to me.

You know who coined the term  “natural childbirth” ? An obstetrician named Grantly Dick-Read.

Enough said.

Breastfeeding

I totally plan on trying to breastfeed. Note the use of the word plan. If it works it works, if it doesn’t, no sweat. I’m not going to have my nipples detach (Yes. That happens.) just so this baby can get fed. That’s what they make formula for. I’ll even spring for the organic kind!

I once dated a guy that was breastfed until he was 4.  After he told me that, it explained A LOT about him and his weird co-dependent relationship with his mom. That’s not happening in this house. If breastfeeding works, I’ll hopefully give it a year or until I start getting bit. I feel like teeth are nature’s way of saying, “OK, we’re done here.”

Placenta

My mother-in-law is a sheep breeder. 4 months a year she is elbow deep in sheep uterus and for the other 8 months she’s taking care of pregnant sheep or babies. On top of that, she also birthed three of her own. This woman knows mammalian labor and delivery. When I explained to her that eating placenta is a new trend in birth, she looked at me like she was seriously questioning her son’s decision-making skills.

MIL: “What is the reasoning for this?”

Me: “Well, animals in nature do it for the nutrients.”

MIL: “Are you serious? No, they don’t. They eat it so the hungry pack of lions doesn’t smell it.”

Me: “Really? I have to go inform like half of the internet.”

What to wear

Have you ever google imaged “giving birth”? Don’t. It’s not as gross as you would think, but the one thing that stood out for me is that everyone is naked. I never realized giving birth in the nude is an option. Listen, I love nudity. I’m a boudoir photographer, for gods sakes. But personally? I’m like Tobias on Arrested Development.  I’m basically a never-nude. I just like the feeling of clothing. Sleeping nude, using the bathroom nude, swimming nude all creep me out. So when it comes to giving birth IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF PEOPLE there is no way I’m going nude. I even asked a fellow mom if they make you wear the hospital gown, because with that open in the back business, I feel like it’s not going to give me enough coverage. Basically if I could, I’d wear a snowsuit with a whole cut in the bottom.

She knows what I'm talking about.

She knows what I’m talking about.

Water birth

In THEORY, I love the idea of giving the birth in water. It’s very Brooke Shields, circa The Blue Lagoon. Relaxing, warm, etc.

I was all about it until about 6 weeks ago.

The worst kept secret of childbirth is that some women, ahem, “poo” on the table while pushing.  I then started connecting the dots. If that is a natural occurrence, then what happens when you are giving birth in a bathtub?

This. THIS is what happens.

This. THIS is what happens.

Tomorrow…

Once the baby comes out, how do you not totally screw it up for 18 years?

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